Tips to Support Someone After the Loss of a Baby

The loss of a pregnancy or the death of an infant is devastating and, sadly, happens more often than many realize. About 10% to 20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage (pregnancy loss up to 20 weeks of gestation), according to the March of Dimes. About 21,000 babies are stillborn (loss of pregnancy after 20 weeks) and about the same number of babies die before their first birthday in the United States each year, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

A lack of meaningful support from others can compound the feelings of loss. But often friends and family members aren’t sure how to care for those who are mourning, says Talia Grossman, a licensed master social worker and advanced clinician at NewYork-Presbyterian Alexandra Cohen Hospital for Women and Newborns.

“A pregnancy or infancy loss is complex and difficult to navigate,” says Grossman. “Many parents experience a sense of isolation and feel that others don’t understand. People often don’t know how to acknowledge a loss, which can lead to saying nothing out of fear of saying the ‘wrong’ thing.”

But asking those who are grieving how they are and how to support them can make a significant difference in their ability to cope, says Grossman, who leads a monthly support group for parents who have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss.

Here, Grossman shares with Health Matters advice on how to support a loved one who is experiencing this kind of grief.

 

Allow the space for grieving.

“It’s important to allow space to help families navigate their new world,” says Grossman. “It’s natural to want to ease the burden for our loved ones experiencing a loss. But their new situation can be overwhelming and all-encompassing. Sometimes just showing up and physically being with your loved ones can be all the comfort they need.”

Invite those in mourning to speak about their pain—and listen.

Simply asking, “How are you?” or “How are you feeling?” can help people begin to process their pain knowing that others care.

Asking the name of the child they lost is also comforting. “Often, in an effort to protect our loved ones, we choose not to talk about their baby or grief. Yet bereaved parents often say the only time they feel relief is when they do talk about their baby. It’s comforting to hear their child’s name and be able to talk about them.”

Offer practical assistance.

Many people who are grieving need help to get through the day in the immediate aftermath. People going through loss might not have the energy to make sure that they have food at home or to take a shower.

Check in to see if those experiencing loss have what they need or would benefit from your assistance. You can offer help with a task, like picking up groceries or doing laundry. You can also ask if they need you to coordinate funeral arrangements or a ceremony for the child or pregnancy they lost. And while some parents may find removing the baby items from the nursery part of their grieving process, others may find that too painful and might appreciate a close family member or friend’s involvement. Make sure the help is wanted before pitching in.

Continue to check in.

Grieving doesn’t stop after a year—or 30. “Parents often say they receive the most support immediately following the loss, but over time that support decreases,” says Grossman. “Grief after the loss of a child lasts a lifetime.”

When holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries roll around, reach out to the parents during these “grief hotspots.”

“Grief is always with you but during these important life events it can intensify,” says Grossman. “Remember the importance of continuing to show up during these hard times.”

Avoid hurtful questions and comments.

Don’t ask people when they are going to have another child or remind them that they can get pregnant again. Such questions could convey that the baby they lost isn’t worth being sad about and can be replaced. “You also don’t know what lies ahead in their fertility journey,” Grossman says.

Similarly, avoid using “at least” statements (as in, “At least you have another child”). Above all, acknowledge the loss—don’t stay silent as if nothing happened. “Saying something as simple as, ‘I was sorry to hear about your loss’ can make a griever feel seen in their loneliness,” says Grossman.