7 Simple Ways to Practice Positive Parenting
A pediatrician explains the benefits of the positive parenting approach — and how to practice it in your own family.
If you scroll through social media or visit a local bookstore, you’ll find an abundance of advice about raising children. And for parents, it can be overwhelming to figure out which methods might work best for your child. But the positive parenting approach offers research-backed principles for raising secure and resilient kids.
What is positive parenting, exactly? “Positive parenting is an approach based on trying to understand, empathize with, and respect children, while also guiding them in a positive way,” says Dr. Edith Bracho-Sanchez, a pediatrician at the NewYork-Presbyterian Ambulatory Care Network and Columbia.
Dr. Edith Bracho-Sanchez
As the phrase implies, this strategy leans into empathy, encouragement, and positivity — and away from negativity and strict punishment. “Positive parenting can help build confidence and self-esteem in children,” says Dr. Bracho-Sanchez. “And focusing more on your child’s positive behaviors, rather than their negative ones, can also contribute to the overall well-being and peace within the family.”
To get some practical positive parenting tips, Health Matters spoke with Dr. Bracho-Sanchez, who shared advice on how to set boundaries, navigate tantrums, build empathy, and give yourself a little grace along the way.
Meet your child where they are.
It’s important to keep in mind your child’s age and developmental stage. “Sometimes the behaviors that frustrate us are actually indicators of a new skill or the result of a child exerting independence or autonomy,” says Dr. Bracho-Sanchez.
Understanding that a behavior is developmentally appropriate can make it easier to accept and address. So when you notice a new behavior, you can check with your pediatrician to ask if it is in sync with the developmental milestones expected at your child’s age.
Take lying, as an example. It can be frustrating to hear your child tell a lie, but this act can be a normal stage of development, particularly between the ages of 2 to 4. “There are many things a child has to understand to be able to tell a lie: what they want, what’s acceptable, what they can get away with,” says Dr. Bracho-Sanchez. “There’s a level of sophistication and reasoning that’s needed. And in positive parenting, it’s about being able to see the moment within that developmentally appropriate framework. From there, you can set boundaries.”
Always be communicating.
Discuss the plans for the day with your child, suggests Dr. Bracho-Sanchez. “It helps prepare children and set their expectations.” When you’re about to change locations or activities, say so out loud. “Talking about what you’re going to do next eases transitions,” Dr. Bracho-Sanchez says. And this, in turn, can decrease the likelihood of a tantrum.
Keep your cool during kid meltdowns.
Parenting is like a choose-your-own-adventure book: There are many outcomes that may arise from a given situation — the variable is how you choose to handle it. For example, if you respond to a tantrum with yelling, you might be met with more yelling in return. Instead, when faced with a heated moment, keep calm and identify your child’s emotions, Dr. Bracho-Sanchez advises. “You can say, ‘I can see that you’re upset,’ as a way to acknowledge the emotion. Then reinforce your boundaries by saying something like, ‘It’s OK to be upset right now. But it’s not OK to hit.’”
After that, give your child a choice: Ask if they want some space or time to calm down. When your child is calmer, you can try transitioning them to another activity.
Share positive feedback in the moment.
Reinforcing good behavior is key — and “it’s a positive discipline strategy,” says Dr. Bracho-Sanchez. You want to find opportunities to offer praise. Just as you might catch your child doing something wrong and immediately correct it, try to spot them doing something good and recognize them for it. This will help them learn to become aware of positive behavior, too.
When your child is doing something wrong, try to find a natural consequence that you can enforce. For example, if your child doesn’t put away their toys, the rule might be that they don’t get to play with them. Short-term consequences related to their actions, such as this one, often work best. In this example, if the consequence was that they don’t get ice cream after dinner, your child may have forgotten that it’s because they didn’t put away their toys.
Give kids choices (within limits).
When you make rules and set boundaries, it’s important to consistently follow through with them. But within those limits, let your child make little choices every day. If your young child is, say, refusing to go to school, you can explain that school is nonnegotiable, but they could choose their own outfit or snack. “This helps them assert some level of control,” says Dr. Bracho-Sanchez. Then tell them how proud you are of their good choices. In the long run, these positive practices help raise a more independent child.
Get other caregivers on board.
“When we talk about parenting, it’s not just about mom and dad. Parenting can come from any person who’s spending a lot of time with a child and is involved in their upbringing,” says Dr. Bracho-Sanchez. It’s important to tell every caregiver, such as grandparents or babysitters, about the rules and positive disciplinary style you’ve set. “Even the techniques being used in a day care or school are important to assess, so you can find ones that align with your style,” says Dr. Bracho-Sanchez.
If you’re feeling like a family member might not be on board with your positive parenting approach, Dr. Bracho-Sanchez suggests reaching out to your pediatrician for help. Ask if they can take part in a conversation with your family member to explain your approach and its benefits.
Give yourself grace.
This approach is all about intention, not perfection. It’s about trying to give every situation your best effort. “It’s something you’re consciously doing and working at,” says Dr. Bracho-Sanchez. What helps is to stay present in every moment. “I know I can’t be e-mailing and responding to a co-worker while at the same time trying to address a tantrum — and I don’t know that anyone can.”
To help you stay patient in any given moment, do a bit of self-care. For example, before a hectic school pickup, take a few minutes to do something for yourself. “Listen to something soothing on the way; take deep breaths,” suggests Dr. Bracho-Sanchez. Creating little calming rituals and mindfully meeting your own needs can help you be more present for your child.