Tips to Support a Child Struggling with Separation Anxiety

The thought of starting a new school year is exciting for many kids – picking out a new backpack, reuniting with friends after summer vacation, and seeing their favorite teachers again. But for others, it can be a source of anxiety and dread.

School-related anxiety can be caused by many factors, but it is common in children who experience separation anxiety, explains Dr. Anne Marie Albano, director of the Center for Youth Mental Health at NewYork-Presbyterian. While some separation anxiety is normal, it can hinder children and young adults if left unaddressed for too long.

“It’s important to get ahead of school-related separation anxiety because school is an instrumental part of developing the whole person beyond just academics” says Dr. Albano. “It teaches children and young adults how to assert themselves, take care of themselves, and navigate relationships.”

Health Matters spoke with Dr. Albano to learn more about separation anxiety, how it is related to school avoidance, and what parents can do to help kids of all ages — from toddlers to teenagers — overcome their fears.

What is separation anxiety?
Separation anxiety in children is an exaggerated fear of being away from their parent or primary caregiver. It is an expected, typical experience between the ages of roughly 10 months to 2 years old.

As the child develops a sense of security that their parents will return, gains trust in babysitters or in daycare settings, and learns to soothe and distract themselves through play, they become more able to manage separations with minimal upset.

Most children will move through this phase with little difficulty, and many will experience brief episodes of separation concerns at different ages or in novel situations (such as the start of a new school year, being left with relatives while parents take a vacation, following an illness), all the way through adolescence and into early adulthood.

What are the signs of separation anxiety?
In general, worries about new situations are normal. A parent may get “what if” questions (“What if I get sick and need you?” “What if something happens to you while I’m at college?”). It’s reasonable for that to last a few weeks. However, if the youth persists in asking many questions despite reassurance, becomes increasingly anxious, has sleep or concentration difficulties, or makes excuses for why they don’t want to separate, then the child or teen may need help in managing this anxiety.

Some signs of separation anxiety may be less obvious. In earlier childhood, it could mean declining invitations to birthday parties or outings with friends. Later, it could mean dropping out of extracurricular activities such as clubs, scouting, or sports; and in high school, declining invitations to travel with the family of a friend, go on an overnight class trip, or continue to go to camp.

Other behaviors that may not immediately raise concern but could be signs of separation anxiety include questioning the parents about where they will be through the day, frequently sending texts or calling to check on the parents, and getting upset or angry if the parent is not on time or where they are “supposed” to be.

Separation anxiety isn’t anyone’s fault, and it can happen for any reason. That said, many parents go out of their way to overly accommodate their child’s separation anxiety and avoid nudging them out of their comfort zone, which doesn’t help their condition. Instead, try encouraging your child to experience time away from home, whether that means staying over at a friend’s or relative’s house or trying sleepaway camp.

What are some ways that parents can help ease their kid back to school?
Of course, you want to help your child overcome their back-to-school-related separation anxiety – but at the same time, it’s important to also validate their feelings. You should express confidence that your child is going to be OK without waving away their concerns.

Try to find ways to get them excited about going to school, whether it’s picking out an outfit together or going shopping for school supplies. For younger kids, sticker charts, or “reward charts,” can be a great way to track your child’s progress. Take a photo of them on their first day of school and hang it up. The point is to make your child proud of their successes.

For children with separation anxiety, it’s best to keep goodbyes short and sweet at school drop-off. This will not traumatize your child – it will help them in the long run. If they’re starting a new school, parents can ask permission to visit the school with their child and even meet their teacher before the first day. Arranging playdates with classmates also helps to settle a child with separation anxiety into the school routine and focus them on some of the social benefits of school. Additionally, having a buddy to commute or simply enter school with can help put your child more at ease.

Lastly, be sure your kids are getting at least eight hours of sleep a night – not just the week before school starts, but starting the month before school starts. A well-rested child can manage anxiety much better.

How do you know if a child needs professional help for their separation anxiety?
If your child’s separation anxiety is lasting longer than the first two to three weeks of school, it’s probably time to seek professional guidance. Unfortunately, many parents often wait too long, thinking it’s just a phase – but the longer a child suffers with anxiety, the more it takes hold. A professional will help get to the root of the issue. You can start by talking to the teacher and seeing if there’s a school counselor, social worker, or psychologist who would be able to help your child.

Otherwise, it can help to see a clinician who specializes in cognitive behavior therapy. CBT can teach your child skills for proactively self-soothing and managing their anxiety, and it can also give parents direction on how to facilitate that development.

What are some tips on supporting teenagers with separation anxiety, especially when they are making the big life transition to college?
I often tell parents to think of high school as their final four years to prepare your child for independence before college. You want your kids to be able to get used to being independent under your watchful eye, so that they can learn and make mistakes in a safe environment while you’re able to guide them. Again, encourage them to step out of their comfort zone, whether that means going away to camp or making their own doctor’s appointments.

If parents have always accommodated their child’s separation anxiety, their teenager might seem ready for college, but when it’s time to actually leave home, a panic sets in. If they haven’t spent time away from their parents, going away can feel extremely daunting, and they might realize until they move into campus that they are unable to handle everyday tasks without their parents’ help, like homework, making their own food, or doing their laundry.

During the first few weeks of college, I would recommend limiting phone calls to once a week, at least while your child adjusts to college life. The first few weeks of school are an important time for your teenager to get to know their new surroundings, peers, professors, and themselves. Of course, they can always call you if they’re in trouble or have a problem.

A warning sign that a young adult is not adjusting well to college is if they don’t use names when they tell you about their social life. If they use vague, generic language and don’t describe any of their new friends, it could mean that they’re having a tough time forming connections.

Each time a child moves up a grade in school, they are met with new and more difficult demands, whether it’s separating from their parents for the first time, making new friends, adjusting to routine, taking instruction from teachers, or managing larger workloads. But as long as children and young adults with separation anxiety are given the right tools to meet these challenges, they can thrive.